October 16th, 2005. That is the day my life turned around. That Sunday morning 14 years ago, I truly gave my heart to the Lord. I actually grew up in church and gave my heart to the Lord when I was 5 years old. I can't say that I was living for the Lord though. That Sunday morning 14 years ago was the day the heart change really happened. I remember that day so well. I was sitting maybe three rows back and I was weeping. The Lord had really convicted me on how I was treating others. You see, I was so full of pride. I thought I was better than everyone else. He really showed me that I was not showing His love at all. That day was the beginning of the true heart change.
He has done a lot of work in me since then. After that day I developed a hunger for the Word of God like never before. I can't stress enough how important it is to get in that secret place with Him everyday. It doesn't matter if it is in the morning, afternoon, or evening, you just need that alone time with Him. I can tell a difference in the days I don't spend that quiet time with Him. I compare this time to spending time with my best friend. You know those friends where you really don't want to go a day without at least talking to them? That is how it is with me and the Father. I don't want to go a day without spending time with Him and hearing from Him.
This past year has been the most accelerated and exponential growth I have experienced spiritually. I don't know if you have ever felt like "There has to be more" but I have felt that so many times and this year more than ever. I can say that this past year I have experienced more but I also know there is so much more. That hunger for more should truly never leave us. We will never experience the fullness of all that He has on this earth. I want to experience all that He has for me here and I am looking forward to the day I stand before Him. I honestly feel like I have only scratched the surface of what He has in store for me.
2018 started with a prayer asking the Lord for a mentor. I really longed to have someone who could speak into my life and hold me accountable. Well the Lord answered that prayer in October of 2018. This friendship could only be setup by the Father. I have never felt so connected to someone so quickly. She has opened my eyes to so many things of the Lord that I didn't know about. I have done things this past year that if you would have told me I would be doing I would have laughed. The Lord has completely shifted my focus to Him. Sometimes it's very confusing why I don't have the desire to do activities that I once enjoyed but it may just be for a season. Honestly, I have found what matters most and that's Jesus! He is the one my heart desires.
This past year has been hard but also amazing. Seeing the Lord's provision this last year has been amazing. He has brought dreams and desires out that had once been crushed and pushed down. He has given me many promises that I am looking forward to seeing come to pass. He is so faithful!
I have gone on this wonderful journey of healing this past year and I can finally say that fear no longer has a stronghold in my life. I have been set free! I'm not saying that those thoughts don't come but I have to choose everyday to not except those lies from the enemy. I have to say some days are much harder than others but I have the promise that through Him I am an over comer. We already have the victory! God is so good! I can say that I am really excited for this new year in Him. I am excited to go where ever He has me and do what ever He has me doing. His adventures are way more fun than anything I could dream up! 14 years is just the beginning!
Thank you for reading! If you would like to learn how you too can live with the Lord, please reach out! I would love to pray with you.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Friday, January 11, 2019
The Year of Seeking!
2018 started off really rough. I was optimistic that it would be a great year but work was awful and I literally hated life. I did purchase my first home in January, which really should be exciting but it wasn't for me. The fear that I had struggled with just a few years earlier was trying to take hold again. Not only was I struggling with this fear but I really felt like I was being disobedient to the Lord. I definitely was. The start of 2018 I was searching for more of God. I would hear from Him every once and awhile but I didn't really know what His voice sounded like. As I look back now I heard from Him more often than I thought I just didn't recognize His voice. I asked God for a mentor in my life. That is something I had been missing for so many years. That mentor didn't come until much later in the year. I honestly believe I could have had that much earlier in the year if I was obedient to the nudging to go to church during the week.
Things at work didn't really improve at all, but at that point I felt stuck. Now I had a mortgage and bills to pay for. What is a person to do? I was so desperate to hear from God that I decided to go to a night of healing prayer in March. Ironically that was the same night as the prayer team meeting at our church. I was ashamed though of the way I felt and I didn't want any of them to know what I was going through. Can you relate? I got to the prayer night alot later than I thought and honestly didn't think anyone would be able to pray with me. These three ladies ended up staying late to pray with me. They changed the direction of my life by doing that. Their willingness to sacrifice their time helped me that night. This night was the first time the word Boldness was spoken over my life in 2018. This was the beginning of me searching and trying to go even deeper with God. Yet, I still didn't know how to hear from God. This season was so dry. I was still reading the Word everyday and learning something new but I still wasn't hearing His voice. My life definitely wasn't reflecting Christ either. I hated the person I had become.
Just a month later, in April, I was in a really bad place. I hated pretty much every part of my life. I saw no way out. I realized just how easy it was to be in the lowest of lows. I did have those thoughts of "you aren't good enough, No one loves you, why are you even here." Lie, after lie, after lie. I am so thankful for friends and a church body at that time. No one knew I was struggling that bad but they were there to encourage me. I didn't want to add this part in because honestly I was ashamed. It is hard to say you had all of those thoughts when you are a Christian but we are all still human. So that one day I got really honest with God. I told Him everything I was feeling and thinking (He already knew). It was so good for me to just release it all to Him. It felt like the weight lifted, just a little. I didn't feel so oppressed. Again I am extremely thankful that He was always watching over me and protecting me even though in that time it felt like He was completely absent. I can't say enough how OKAY it is to just be honest with God. He already knows it all anyways but it is good for us to cast those cares on Him that we have been carrying. He says, " Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) The thing is He wants every part of you. He can't start the healing process until we surrender.
So in May, once again, I went to the night of healing prayer but this time in a much better place. He confirmed that He wanted me in some sort of ministry. I didn't know what that looked and still don't have a clear picture of what that looks like, but maybe a little better understanding. Life was a little better after that. Work was still awful but I just kept keeping on. I was considering going to Bible college and also seriously considering leading small group. I just never felt the peace about going to Bible College so I didn't. That was one of the best decisions I made. So this sets up the launching pad for the second half of the year.
Small groups. I really felt the need to do a small group on fear. Yes, the girl who had been struggling with fear all year long. I kept reading all of these prayer requests of people dealing with fear and I knew what kind of hell that was. I was completely consumed by it several years ago. The devil no longer has that power over my life and never will. So work, have I said enough about that yet? It was still awful. I felt like it was this never ending cycle of negativity. It was a toxic environment that I hated being in everyday. I was such a negative person and I hated being like that. So I did end up co-leading a small group in the fall with Kathy. I was so thankful God chose her to be my co-leader. I enjoyed every second of being in her home and learning so much from her on leading. Her heart for women is so beautiful. Through leading that small group and just having more of a hunger for His word my perspective began to change. I no longer hated certain people as much. Let me tell you though, I still had a lot of hate and bitterness there. The small group was just as good for me as it was for the ladies I was pouring into. God really orchestrated a beautiful group of ladies with varying age ranges and life experiences. I love how He works.
Yet, I was still seeking more. I definitely hear Him more but I still didn't recognize His voice. As I look back now I know it was Him but in the moment I didn't. I started going to the Wednesday night Women's Bible study in October and started learning so much. Deborah has been instrumental in the complete change in my life. God knew I needed her. Actually she is the mentor I prayed for at the beginning of the year. He is such a good God who hears the prayers of His people. Once again Boldness was spoken over my life. I have always been this quiet, shy, timid person but on the inside I am not shy. It is time for who God made me to be to come forth. She actually told me how to ask the Holy Spirit to speak to me. She shared with me the different ways the Lord speaks. No one had ever shared that with me before. Finally I had found what I had been seeking for so long. The first verse He spoke to me was Jeremiah 29:11. I love that this was the first verse He spoke to me. He showed me things in this verse to the point that I will never read it the same way. It actually has become my Word for this year, 2019. I will share more on this in the coming weeks.
Through this process of asking and then waiting I have learned what the voice of God sounds like. Now it is not just a verse but encouragement. He speaks to me all the time. I just have to be listening and obeying. I can have a conversation with Him just like I can with my best friend. He truly has become my best friend. I know He is actually guiding my steps if I actually take the time to listen. I love to listen to Him. It is always Truth. Now I can't say that these last two months have been super awesome. Circumstances haven't changed and the devil has been attacking me BUT GOD is faithful. When I chose to surrender, He is faithful. There has been a lot of healing taking place in me. I still need more, but don't we all. Letting go of things and forgiving people has been freeing. I have even had to forgive myself for things as well. He is a good and gracious Father though. Work isn't as bad anymore. Do you want to know why? Because He has changed me. He has changed my heart. The work circumstances haven't changed, the people haven't changed but my heart has towards them. He is so good!
For the first time in a really long time I am actually excited about this new year. Every dream I have on my vision board has been spoken by God. They aren't my dreams but His. I have great expectation that all of these impossible dreams will come to pass. He said He is a God of the impossible and nothing is impossible with Him!
He is good God who delights in His people. Since the first time He spoke boldness over me, that same word has been spoken over me multiple times. Even again last night He spoke Boldness. He is breaking that fear and timidity that has plagued me for far to long off of me. It is time to step into my calling and do what He has called me to do. I am teacher, but let me tell you I would have been an awful teacher a year ago. It wouldn't have been done in love. Now I can truly say that I could do that with the Love of God. His Love is like no other and He loves to surround us with that Unspeakable Love.
So for those of you are are struggling in the dry season. The ones who are desperately seeking yet you feel He is silent. I am here to tell you, you will make it! He is right there even though it may not feel like it. As I look back over this past year I see just how faithful He has been. He saved me, He protected me, and He lifted me up. He is Faithful! I promise your day is coming when you encounter His love in a new way. Maybe like me you aren't asking the right questions. I would challenge you to get by yourself, get quiet, and ask the Holy Spirit what He wants to speak to you today. Then just wait. He will speak. The key is to make sure what you are hearing lines up with the Word of God. That is Truth! Ask Him, learn to be still. I am telling you there is nothing like His presence! There is nothing like it! I believe that if we desire His presence and press in we will encounter Him more and more. He Loves YOU so much! He Delights in YOU!
Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of Joy."
Isn't that a beautiful promise. HE LOVES YOU! Don't ever doubt that.
If you need someone to talk to or pray for you or with you, please reach out! I would love to encourage you and pray for you. God has a plan for your life.
Things at work didn't really improve at all, but at that point I felt stuck. Now I had a mortgage and bills to pay for. What is a person to do? I was so desperate to hear from God that I decided to go to a night of healing prayer in March. Ironically that was the same night as the prayer team meeting at our church. I was ashamed though of the way I felt and I didn't want any of them to know what I was going through. Can you relate? I got to the prayer night alot later than I thought and honestly didn't think anyone would be able to pray with me. These three ladies ended up staying late to pray with me. They changed the direction of my life by doing that. Their willingness to sacrifice their time helped me that night. This night was the first time the word Boldness was spoken over my life in 2018. This was the beginning of me searching and trying to go even deeper with God. Yet, I still didn't know how to hear from God. This season was so dry. I was still reading the Word everyday and learning something new but I still wasn't hearing His voice. My life definitely wasn't reflecting Christ either. I hated the person I had become.
Just a month later, in April, I was in a really bad place. I hated pretty much every part of my life. I saw no way out. I realized just how easy it was to be in the lowest of lows. I did have those thoughts of "you aren't good enough, No one loves you, why are you even here." Lie, after lie, after lie. I am so thankful for friends and a church body at that time. No one knew I was struggling that bad but they were there to encourage me. I didn't want to add this part in because honestly I was ashamed. It is hard to say you had all of those thoughts when you are a Christian but we are all still human. So that one day I got really honest with God. I told Him everything I was feeling and thinking (He already knew). It was so good for me to just release it all to Him. It felt like the weight lifted, just a little. I didn't feel so oppressed. Again I am extremely thankful that He was always watching over me and protecting me even though in that time it felt like He was completely absent. I can't say enough how OKAY it is to just be honest with God. He already knows it all anyways but it is good for us to cast those cares on Him that we have been carrying. He says, " Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) The thing is He wants every part of you. He can't start the healing process until we surrender.
So in May, once again, I went to the night of healing prayer but this time in a much better place. He confirmed that He wanted me in some sort of ministry. I didn't know what that looked and still don't have a clear picture of what that looks like, but maybe a little better understanding. Life was a little better after that. Work was still awful but I just kept keeping on. I was considering going to Bible college and also seriously considering leading small group. I just never felt the peace about going to Bible College so I didn't. That was one of the best decisions I made. So this sets up the launching pad for the second half of the year.
Small groups. I really felt the need to do a small group on fear. Yes, the girl who had been struggling with fear all year long. I kept reading all of these prayer requests of people dealing with fear and I knew what kind of hell that was. I was completely consumed by it several years ago. The devil no longer has that power over my life and never will. So work, have I said enough about that yet? It was still awful. I felt like it was this never ending cycle of negativity. It was a toxic environment that I hated being in everyday. I was such a negative person and I hated being like that. So I did end up co-leading a small group in the fall with Kathy. I was so thankful God chose her to be my co-leader. I enjoyed every second of being in her home and learning so much from her on leading. Her heart for women is so beautiful. Through leading that small group and just having more of a hunger for His word my perspective began to change. I no longer hated certain people as much. Let me tell you though, I still had a lot of hate and bitterness there. The small group was just as good for me as it was for the ladies I was pouring into. God really orchestrated a beautiful group of ladies with varying age ranges and life experiences. I love how He works.
Yet, I was still seeking more. I definitely hear Him more but I still didn't recognize His voice. As I look back now I know it was Him but in the moment I didn't. I started going to the Wednesday night Women's Bible study in October and started learning so much. Deborah has been instrumental in the complete change in my life. God knew I needed her. Actually she is the mentor I prayed for at the beginning of the year. He is such a good God who hears the prayers of His people. Once again Boldness was spoken over my life. I have always been this quiet, shy, timid person but on the inside I am not shy. It is time for who God made me to be to come forth. She actually told me how to ask the Holy Spirit to speak to me. She shared with me the different ways the Lord speaks. No one had ever shared that with me before. Finally I had found what I had been seeking for so long. The first verse He spoke to me was Jeremiah 29:11. I love that this was the first verse He spoke to me. He showed me things in this verse to the point that I will never read it the same way. It actually has become my Word for this year, 2019. I will share more on this in the coming weeks.
Through this process of asking and then waiting I have learned what the voice of God sounds like. Now it is not just a verse but encouragement. He speaks to me all the time. I just have to be listening and obeying. I can have a conversation with Him just like I can with my best friend. He truly has become my best friend. I know He is actually guiding my steps if I actually take the time to listen. I love to listen to Him. It is always Truth. Now I can't say that these last two months have been super awesome. Circumstances haven't changed and the devil has been attacking me BUT GOD is faithful. When I chose to surrender, He is faithful. There has been a lot of healing taking place in me. I still need more, but don't we all. Letting go of things and forgiving people has been freeing. I have even had to forgive myself for things as well. He is a good and gracious Father though. Work isn't as bad anymore. Do you want to know why? Because He has changed me. He has changed my heart. The work circumstances haven't changed, the people haven't changed but my heart has towards them. He is so good!
For the first time in a really long time I am actually excited about this new year. Every dream I have on my vision board has been spoken by God. They aren't my dreams but His. I have great expectation that all of these impossible dreams will come to pass. He said He is a God of the impossible and nothing is impossible with Him!
He is good God who delights in His people. Since the first time He spoke boldness over me, that same word has been spoken over me multiple times. Even again last night He spoke Boldness. He is breaking that fear and timidity that has plagued me for far to long off of me. It is time to step into my calling and do what He has called me to do. I am teacher, but let me tell you I would have been an awful teacher a year ago. It wouldn't have been done in love. Now I can truly say that I could do that with the Love of God. His Love is like no other and He loves to surround us with that Unspeakable Love.
So for those of you are are struggling in the dry season. The ones who are desperately seeking yet you feel He is silent. I am here to tell you, you will make it! He is right there even though it may not feel like it. As I look back over this past year I see just how faithful He has been. He saved me, He protected me, and He lifted me up. He is Faithful! I promise your day is coming when you encounter His love in a new way. Maybe like me you aren't asking the right questions. I would challenge you to get by yourself, get quiet, and ask the Holy Spirit what He wants to speak to you today. Then just wait. He will speak. The key is to make sure what you are hearing lines up with the Word of God. That is Truth! Ask Him, learn to be still. I am telling you there is nothing like His presence! There is nothing like it! I believe that if we desire His presence and press in we will encounter Him more and more. He Loves YOU so much! He Delights in YOU!
Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of Joy."
Isn't that a beautiful promise. HE LOVES YOU! Don't ever doubt that.
If you need someone to talk to or pray for you or with you, please reach out! I would love to encourage you and pray for you. God has a plan for your life.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)